Mr Black has cancer :( It is bad.

Well, here I am again.

I was dead.

I got killed twice by the same person on my own request.

Funny like hell: D

I died.

I have hit the bottom of despair with all might.

And this time, I said to myself: 'Fuck it! I'm not getting up! I'll be lying here like that till the end of the world, Which actually should be very soon now, According To how I feel "

A week passed ...

And another one ...

Couldn't cry more tears ...



And yet again ...


I got up.


I needed food.


So I fed myself. Slowly at first with soft stuff ... after two weeks not eating it was a bit risky.

Then I fed my soul too.

For the first time I fed my soul.

For myself.

And only now I can finally understand that I was simply loving too much, and not enough.

Too much love for others, not enough for myself.

And now I can laugh, like I've never laught before.

And there is the only one 'but' ...

When I think about that last guy I feel disgusted. How, on Earth, could I do this to myself and be with someone, who has even less respect for me, then I had ?


He can be angel for everybody else, but he treated me like an asshole and he will always remain an asshole to me.

I am with the one who killed me...I'm in love. But he has no power over me anymore. I have no idea how it works.

Dying again...for the last time at last.

I do not need people who cannot see me. I deserve better than being a waiting room for you, between one girlfriend and another. I am tired of waiting for you. I don't need people who have to be taught how to love me. If you not here for me, if you can't see my true colors, you are not good for me. I have feelings. And love it is not something you can switch on or off as you pleased. Love is always or not at all. If I have to walk away from your life I will. Just do not expect me to stay and watch. Enjoy your dates and potential girlfriends. I will always be your friend, but I am not masochist. I don't like to be hurt. That is why I have to go.
Farewell my love. I don't need you.

...

I am going through, the same emotional mess again and again. I'm learning to embrace my pain. I don't understand what else I have to learn from it. Why I have to meet the same type of people over and over again. And fall for them...
There is a small change however.
I cannot cry anymore. And when the pain is comming I think of HER. And Goddess herself is soothing my broken heart. With HER by my side I can win this time.
I am gonna take a leap of faith, and jump into the future with no expectations.
Whatever awaits me there I'll take it. I cannot say, I am not afraid.

I hope at the end will be just a happiness.

Blessed Be )O(

I was thinking long and hard last night, after a lovely talk I've had with my Friend. In our lifetime we are meeting so many people. Sometimes they are staying longer, sometimes they are just passing by. And when they are gone we are thinking 'what if?', or maybe we should do more, or be different. And it hits me. Maybe I have lost opportunity for my lifetime happiness, because I was to scared or too selfish? Maybe, but I am not going to make the same mistake twice. So from now on, if I feel something I will manifest my feelings. Because tomorrow maybe too late. Maybe my heart will change, or you will be gone from my life forever? I don't want to wait for mirracles anymore. I want to create them. Or die trying. With no expectations, whatever I'll do, I'll do it because I want to. We have eachother for such a short time of our life. Lets make the best of it!

And one more thing my Friend. We all may come from one source. But we are not one. Not anymore.  < 3
 I love you with all my heart. And I am not afraid anymore.



(I lied - I am afraid...)

Goddess inside

She whispers inside of my head: 'You know that some things just must have to happen. And not you or anybody can stop it. There is no escape. So be patient my love. Be patient. Learn and evolve, and when the times will come you will be ready to get everything.'
And I don't know who is she. It feels like me, but sometimes I think it must be Her, 'cause she is stronger then me. Smarter and more confident. It is confusing...but I remember what friend told me once: Do not reconsider it. Embrace it. It may be the only way She can get into you.
I listen.
I know few things for certain now.
I can switch on, a special kind of look into your eyes. (Just need to practice it a bit)
If I am not making any first moves I am invisible. But If I will let you see me, your life never be the same.

Dreams, dreams, dreams...

I had a dream last night. The egg I've found in the forest was dead. I decided to take it back and bury it. I was next to Jim's car and I opened the door. I placed the egg on the back seat, when I realised, that the egg looks bigger and appears to be cracked. I have placed the egg on the palm of my hand and I've looked closer. And then the egg just cracked open and there was a little yellow bird with burgundy coloured legs, very much alive!

Tarot for today

Interpretation:

A direction is possible for action. Action by or for the Goddess. Motherhood in all sences.

Reversed:

Confusion. Be patient.Understanding will come.

Tarot for today

The Ace of Swords

Interpretation:

A new action, or act of will. A step forward becomes possible. Initiative, courage.

Reversed:

No move is possible. A move would be wrong.

Ace of Swords: Triumph

Message: You need to identify the long-term goals and major principles that will enable you to make your life a statement of your unique personality. Open up a channel to sacred wisdom. Triumph over adversity and ignorance.

Outcome: You will triumph over lies, adversity, and ignorance. A brilliant new idea, a long-term goal or a major principle will reveal itself. Your life’s unique purpose will become more clear. A channel to sacred wisdom will open.

(http://www.wiccan-world.com)

Tarot for today

Two of Pentacles

Interpretation:

Physical force, physical energy, movement. Good work.

Reversed:

Weakness, no energy, no chance to gain through work. Unwillingness to work.

2 of Pentacles: Change

Message: You need to be able to cope with change. For now, it might be better to keep two or more things going at once rather than focus on one. You must stay centered while you stay flexible and keep informed. Know thyself.

Outcome: You will soon encounter a period of change and instability. You may have to focus on two or more things at once. Stay centered and informed, even as you keep flexible and versatile. A changeable person may be involved.

(http://www.wiccan-world.com/)

Tarot for today

The Queen of Swords

Interpretation:

That which is indicated by the card modified has begun, has become a concept.

The first step is taken forward, the action has begun, the will has been directed. The Seed is palnted The Journey has begun.

Reversed:

Undirected will. The wrong action has been taken or at least considered. Querent may be unable to direct the will enough to get started.

Queen of Swords: Independence

Message: You need to be independent. Empathy may distract you. Think with your head not with your heart. Devote your full attention and concentration to your situation or the volume of information will overwhelm. Tell it like it is.

Outcome: You will encounter or have to act as an independent person who sees ideas and information as powers to be used. Sympathy will not be lacking. Be careful loneliness does not turn strength into rigidity, tactlessness, or prudishness.

(http://www.wiccan-world.com/)

Tarot for today

Four of Swords

Interpretation:

Constructive action, effective action, building, putting in order. Will put in order to become useful. Energy now has project to be directed to.

Reversed:

Action accomplished nothing. Tyranny. Querent used action instead of thought. Next time, think first, and if the best thing to do in nothing, do nothing.

4 of Swords: Seclusion

Message: You need seclusion to deal properly with your situation. Retreat from pain, conflict, and distractions, and rid yourself of stress and anxiety. Ground and re-charge yourself. Look inward for a real change. Meditate daily. You can!

Outcome: You will evaluate seclusion, detachment, and retreat as methods for accomplishing great things. You will avoid pain, conflict, and distractions, and lessen your stress and anxiety. Looking inward will re-charge you.

(http://www.wiccan-world.com/)

Tarot for today

II The High Priestess

Interpretation:

Querent is trying to find out the higher significance of something. Querent should understand that this path is a difficult one, and perhaps should, for now, reach smaller goals before attempting present one.

Reversed:

That which has come to the Querent has been given in a form the Querent can deal with.

2 - The High Priestess - Intuition

Message: You need to become more aware, receptive, intuitive and even psychic. To do so, know you must get your ego out of the way and let forces of a higher power work through you. Learn to let chaos work for you.

Outcome: You will reach a new level of spiritual awareness. You may realize your intuition's power. You may see things are as they should be for your greatest good and greatest joy. An intuitive and psychic person may be important.

(http://www.wiccan-world.com/)

Tarot for today

The Princess of Pentacles

Interpretation:

That physical thing represented by this card modified has manifested

Reversed:

The end of the Journey hes not been reached. It may be necessary to continue.

Princess of Pentacles: Practicality

Message: You need to concentrate on the communication of practical matters, useful information, and values. Trust your natural instincts. A new business idea is near. Take notes and make lists. Keep records and receipts safe and secure.

Outcome: You may encounter or have to act as someone who is involved in the communication of practical information and useful techniques. A new business idea may come to you. You may make a proposal for one. An earthy young person may become important.

(http://www.wiccan-world.com)

Tarot for today

Four of Pentacles

Interpretation:

Safety, security, your house is in order. Financial security.

Health - your body is achieving its correct archetype.

Reversed:

Financial loss, lack of order in physical world. Querent must organize affairs, home, etc.

4 of Pentacles: Possessiveness

Message: You need to hold on to what you have. Manage and guard it carefully. Things must be put in order and in proper perspective. Reflect on your self-worth and what is valuable to you. It is time to think like an executive.

Outcome: You will have to evaluate the wisdom of holding on to what you have. Good management is emphasized. That which is necessary for growth or a reflection of your true values should be retained and protected. An executive type may be involved.

(http://www.wiccan-world.com)

Tarot for today

Nine of Pentacles

Interpretation:

Fertility, possible conception. Coming growth. Potential is great.

Reversed:

Lack of fertility as yet. No potential return on investment. Get a checkup.

9 of Pentacles: Abundance

Message: You need to be self-reliant, independent, and fee. Learn about your body and how Mother Nature provides all that is needed. Treat your health as your greatest wealth. Get out into the natural world and do your part.

Outcome: You will be able to be independent, self-reliant, and free. You will come to know real abundance in a very natural way. Your wealth, health, and maybe your waistline may increase. A nature lover may be involved.

(http://www.wiccan-world.com)

Mistery of my scent ;>

Amarige Mariage

From the scent of the original Amarige, the fragrance has inherited strength and vivacity, generous and contagious joy, and femininity in full bloom.
Amarige Mariage is an olfactory creation that differs from its predecessor, however. While the original Amarige is a Floral Floral, Amarige Mariage is an assertive Chypre Oriental, an Eau de Parfum with a textured, highly sensual femininity.

Structured by the chypre accord and enhanced by high-quality natural materials, its rare fragrance has a sublime roundness, just like a bridal bouquet.

The mischievous, sparkling notes of Sicilian Bitter Orange and Calabrian Bergamot represent the first peal of laughter.

Then comes a ray of light, with Magnolia and Egyptian Jasmine, enveloped by the subtle, rare and precious aura of Ceylon Cinnamon.
A final, unforgettably sensual mood is provided by a touch of Siam Benzoin and a note of Sandalwood, united against a backdrop of Patchouli.


And everything is clear now :)

I think for me love is like flu. Sooner or later is gone anyway.
I'm cured now.
From love anyway, 'cause I'm still having a cold.