Mr Black has cancer :( It is bad.

Well, here I am again.

I was dead.

I got killed twice by the same person on my own request.

Funny like hell: D

I died.

I have hit the bottom of despair with all might.

And this time, I said to myself: 'Fuck it! I'm not getting up! I'll be lying here like that till the end of the world, Which actually should be very soon now, According To how I feel "

A week passed ...

And another one ...

Couldn't cry more tears ...



And yet again ...


I got up.


I needed food.


So I fed myself. Slowly at first with soft stuff ... after two weeks not eating it was a bit risky.

Then I fed my soul too.

For the first time I fed my soul.

For myself.

And only now I can finally understand that I was simply loving too much, and not enough.

Too much love for others, not enough for myself.

And now I can laugh, like I've never laught before.

And there is the only one 'but' ...

When I think about that last guy I feel disgusted. How, on Earth, could I do this to myself and be with someone, who has even less respect for me, then I had ?


He can be angel for everybody else, but he treated me like an asshole and he will always remain an asshole to me.

I am with the one who killed me...I'm in love. But he has no power over me anymore. I have no idea how it works.

Dying again...for the last time at last.

I do not need people who cannot see me. I deserve better than being a waiting room for you, between one girlfriend and another. I am tired of waiting for you. I don't need people who have to be taught how to love me. If you not here for me, if you can't see my true colors, you are not good for me. I have feelings. And love it is not something you can switch on or off as you pleased. Love is always or not at all. If I have to walk away from your life I will. Just do not expect me to stay and watch. Enjoy your dates and potential girlfriends. I will always be your friend, but I am not masochist. I don't like to be hurt. That is why I have to go.
Farewell my love. I don't need you.

...

I am going through, the same emotional mess again and again. I'm learning to embrace my pain. I don't understand what else I have to learn from it. Why I have to meet the same type of people over and over again. And fall for them...
There is a small change however.
I cannot cry anymore. And when the pain is comming I think of HER. And Goddess herself is soothing my broken heart. With HER by my side I can win this time.
I am gonna take a leap of faith, and jump into the future with no expectations.
Whatever awaits me there I'll take it. I cannot say, I am not afraid.

I hope at the end will be just a happiness.

Blessed Be )O(

I was thinking long and hard last night, after a lovely talk I've had with my Friend. In our lifetime we are meeting so many people. Sometimes they are staying longer, sometimes they are just passing by. And when they are gone we are thinking 'what if?', or maybe we should do more, or be different. And it hits me. Maybe I have lost opportunity for my lifetime happiness, because I was to scared or too selfish? Maybe, but I am not going to make the same mistake twice. So from now on, if I feel something I will manifest my feelings. Because tomorrow maybe too late. Maybe my heart will change, or you will be gone from my life forever? I don't want to wait for mirracles anymore. I want to create them. Or die trying. With no expectations, whatever I'll do, I'll do it because I want to. We have eachother for such a short time of our life. Lets make the best of it!

And one more thing my Friend. We all may come from one source. But we are not one. Not anymore.  < 3
 I love you with all my heart. And I am not afraid anymore.



(I lied - I am afraid...)

Goddess inside

She whispers inside of my head: 'You know that some things just must have to happen. And not you or anybody can stop it. There is no escape. So be patient my love. Be patient. Learn and evolve, and when the times will come you will be ready to get everything.'
And I don't know who is she. It feels like me, but sometimes I think it must be Her, 'cause she is stronger then me. Smarter and more confident. It is confusing...but I remember what friend told me once: Do not reconsider it. Embrace it. It may be the only way She can get into you.
I listen.
I know few things for certain now.
I can switch on, a special kind of look into your eyes. (Just need to practice it a bit)
If I am not making any first moves I am invisible. But If I will let you see me, your life never be the same.

Dreams, dreams, dreams...

I had a dream last night. The egg I've found in the forest was dead. I decided to take it back and bury it. I was next to Jim's car and I opened the door. I placed the egg on the back seat, when I realised, that the egg looks bigger and appears to be cracked. I have placed the egg on the palm of my hand and I've looked closer. And then the egg just cracked open and there was a little yellow bird with burgundy coloured legs, very much alive!

Tarot for today

Interpretation:

A direction is possible for action. Action by or for the Goddess. Motherhood in all sences.

Reversed:

Confusion. Be patient.Understanding will come.